backed once again! these few months have been eventful. dear left in aug, work like hell in sep, quit my job in oct, went europe for a month, get into a new job in pwc.. along this journey i have lots and lots of tots. some are realisation, but some are pure confusion. but i guess it's about the self discovery over the last few months. so wana "pen" these thoughts down so that i can better organise my tots and look back at how i have grown. so... here we go!

it has been 3 mths since dear left. honestly, i like that space of being with myself. it's just a comfortable period thats bearable. i can do things i like in my way, roam around the streets and malls myself, gg to the library myself, enjoying personal time on the long train ride to jurong west every sunday etc. not that dear is annoying when he is ard, but im entitled to rare me-times and its when that happens, my thoughts about things will come.

honestly, i think im quite a loner and i dun deny that. im tired of making the efforts to make new friends, which you know it wouldnt be a in-depth friendship. i need no new friends, but only remake the old ones. im not kinda person that like big grp fellowship, ending up just to get your stomach filled and laugh over each other silliness and called it a good gathering. one of the reli gd fellowship tt i can rem is the invitation to Nathan's and Hayley's house (KL's cgm). just the 4 of us and we began to share about our childhood, how we overcame our past, talking abt the future and reli appreciate Hayley to broke the news that she's pregnant to us first-hand. i tot it's a kind of fellowship that u hardly find.

being away in Europe is a good reflection for myself, about the topic of being a Christian. the amount of majestic churches in Europe (loves those in Rome and Paris), being in the Vatican city, seeing the tomb of Peter and Mark, makes me engage with my inner self at a deeper level.

as a Christian, esp in big churches, very often the tendency to "lose yourself" is higher. you act the way others do, speak the lingo they speak, clap the way they clap, conform to the "norm" etc, all in the name of building atmosphere and evangelism. and for 1 month which i dun need to do that, i felt really liberated! im a Christian, a authentic and a genuine one without having to live under expectations. and being a leader makes that expectations higher. do we have to lose our individualism just to be more "Christiany"? i dont think God came for that purpose. i have to say that it's unfair to have expectations placed on Christians just because they are to be more saint. in Europe, we saw the non believers live their lives and probably they feel much liberated as a non believer.

what does being a Christian really mean? i believe it's the individual before the institution. we have to first know why we are called Christian, then out of that we can produce fruitful fellowship. if not, the churchy activities we do will be done just out of unfair expectations placed on christians.

the whole trip is not just an eye opener, it's a soul opener. i found another side of me. going to Berlin was another highlight that opened another part of me that i have not visited. visiting places of holocaust, concentration camps had definitely made me questioned my own faith. how strong is my faith that i will be willing to die for it? the jews are murdered nt bcz of Hitler, but a long history of racism against them bcz of their practices, which originated fr what God has told them to do so. how do you address such hard issues like that? where is God when millions died for what the believe? what are the other christians doing when the see the cruelty of their fellow believers being unjustified? how are we to engage such issues as post-holocaust Christians? how does it relate to the second coming of Christ? i dun have answers to these. dear and i had such an intense and long talk one night abt such things which left me awake the whole night.

thats why i love traveling. it gives you sth which no other things can give, an insight, a perception and a self discovery. on the flight there alone on plane, i told myself i do not just wan to be a tourist that goes to all the famous sights, take a few pictures and label that country with "i was here". what traveling can offers you is beyond yourself.

so i came back on a 13hr flight all by myself again, had a good time and laugh watching movies on board and tadang! SINGAPORE! the singlish, the spore notes and coins, black hair asians, sbs buses, TALL buildings are things i missed sooooooo much! asian food esp! had a week plus of jetlag, terrible terrible terrible! and started my first day of work at pwc in the midst of jetlag, had such a terrible week. coupled with the fact of change of the sayang healthcare industry to the cold financial industry, it makes the jetlag and transition worse!

it felt weird to return my life to the norm. going back to cg, svc agn, talking to the same people (have only talked to one person for the past 1 mth in Europe). but it all felt so different. in the familiar environment but with a different mindset and perception now. it took me nearly a month to reconcile that together, am still trying now though. im still in a confused state, which is the real me.

entering into a new job doesnt help, with so many "internal turmoil" happening at the same time. meeting people who are prosperous, successful yet without an anchor, they drink they smoke and they jiojio girls, all these that happen 5 days in a week added onto my confused self identity. at the same time, telling people "oh i had a fun time in europe, visiting places blablabla" when they asked "hows your trip" and have to find things to share when i have so much inner thoughts to share but they might not comprehend.

all in all, this trip has been very self enlightening, bringing me to face hard issues which i will never a comfortable spore. and tru such issues, i realised there's so much things to explore, not just destinations and places, but the untapped ideas and thoughts that's hiding inside my mind. this trip has definitely allowed me to engage God in a more personal level, not an institution manner.

i wan to go far far away again. saving up for japan next! visiting the country sides and cities, i believe the vast difference in these both will invoke some tots again.

for now, work, save.

bye hj.

hi hj.

Snow @ Swiss Alps

God will protect His harvests!